Public Dating

A lot of “dating” seems to happen in public. People swipe while waiting at stoplights, they see a match come through over dinner with friends, they text as they run on the treadmill. Not exactly the kind of public that allows you to get a sense of a person (like at work, or at a bar) before agreeing to spend an hour-plus with them.

Getting-to-know someone over any medium implies hope. Dating over any medium comes with expectation. So, giving the name “dating” to getting-to-know-you-virtually is a misnomer — and one that comes at a price.

I’m going to share two conversations between strangers who never had (and clearly now never will) done more than exchange some messages after meeting on a dating site. Rather than shame anyone, or assign judgement or blame, I think it’s worth just seeing how expectations spin people out.

Conversation A: 

It’s interesting to see how easy it is to put off a stranger when time is short. It’s also interesting to see how one person can make assumptions based on that, get in their head (as they say on The Bachelor), and BAM: project their assumptions onto the other person.

People don’t want to wait to meet. It’s not sexy. It’s not spontaneous. And yet, if you live in a metropolitan area, you’re expected to have a life — one that is energized by friends, rich with culture, and paid for by working 60+ hours a week.

Damned if you don’t have it, damned if you do.

Another example…

Conversation B: 

The pattern beyond expectations here is that two different people brought their shit down on someone else. One who interacted with the shit, and one who didn’t — and both were still given the same guilt-trip fueled responses. It’s curious to me that we do this to anyone, friends or strangers alike.

What would communicating (or even dating) be like if we let go of the expectations we inevitably bring with us? What if we practiced giving the benefit of the doubt? (Do I sound too “can’t we all just get along?” That’s fair. Maybe we should hold people to higher expectations. Maybe there’s an argument for that.)

I once read a Tinder profile that only stated, Looking for a relationship on Tinder is worse than trying to meet someone on a city bus on a rainy day. I didn’t match with the guy, but the sentiment stuck with me. Enough so that sometimes I imagine what would happen if I just held a stranger’s hand on my morning commute. Getting to know someone that way couldn’t be any more intimidating than doing it asynchronously.

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Photo by Derick Anies on Unsplash

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