Love As I Know it Is…

Ed note: Or at least, love as I knew it just after college love was. When I was 18, I discovered Aaron Cometbus’ Punk Rock Love Is…and thought it was the most brilliant thing I’d laid eyes on. Four years later, as I began grad school, my friend E and I wrote our own versions. Here’s mine, which I titled “Love As I Know it Is…” (and maybe should have titled, “College Love Is…”). From 22 year old me to 22 year old you, you’re welcome.

Taking a shower together and spitting water on each other. Him standing outside while you and your best friend sit at the piano singing and playing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Disappearing from crowds to hang out on the porch.

Writing him silly haiku. Writing silly things he said or did in the margins of your notebook. Sending him old sonnets you wrote and pretending you wrote them recently. Filling a postcard with print so tiny he has to use a magnifying glass to read it. 

Sharing quotes. Sharing Italian food. Sharing the stick shift as you speed down the freeway. Sharing a milkshake, but asking for two cherries so he can impress you with his tongue’s stem-tying skills. 

Having him walk in on you and your best friend taking a bath. Shit talking about him to blonde fairy-girls. Refusing to even write about him in your journal because it seems too much like a dream. Dancing around to “1979.” 

Buying candy and cloves. Him sneaking up to your window at 2am and scaring the shit out of you. Snuggling while watching The Princess Bride and not caring that you aren’t seeing half of it. Listening to his heartbeat.

Understanding sunrises are important to some people and not to others. Going to the forest and the beach in the same day but then back to his house with the paper thin walls because you can’t keep off of each other. Him getting stoned when you tell him you don’t trust him. Holding his hand while you call your mom to tell her you are in Disneyland, not just in the Central Valley. Eating ice cream. Beating him at chess.

Buying deodorant together. Kissing on train tracks. Going to the top of a hill for your birthday and having that be enough. Him telling you he’s liked you for four years before kissing you. Him telling you he never liked you before kissing you. Hanging out under a bridge when you told your dad you were watching Labyrinth. 

Receiving kissing lessons. Playing rummy into the wee hours of the morning when you have to be in class by 9. Swimming laps together. Borrowing books you never return. 

Holding him while he cries about what you just said. Spooning and not sleeping. Him giving your stuffed animals personalities. Him drooling on your pillows. You drooling on him. Pretending not to like each other. 

Giving each other strange nicknames that make you laugh, but not your friends. Waking up ridiculously early only to do nothing and then fall asleep. Waking up ridiculously early to get back home before your parents notice you were gone. Kissing for 6 hours straight. Staying up until 6am three nights in a row just to talk.  

Going camping. You finishing his meals. Him paying even though you always eat more. Him teaching you to bake awesome slice ‘n bake cookies and stir-fry. You teaching him how to salsa. 

Receiving fellatio lessons. Lessons ending when a police car drives up and starts flashing it’s lights. Him telling you that you’re beautiful. You crying. You crying more when you think about it after he leaves you. 

Him telling you how great you’d be together under different circumstances. You knowing he’s going to break up with you and waiting to see how long it takes for him to get the courage to do it. You finally having to bring it up. 

You crying and driving while calling your best friend on your cell phone. You crying and trying to find your best friend while he is driving. Sneaking past the living room hoping your parents won’t see you. Your mom following you and getting angry with him for you. 

Him making up songs about you while you are walking down the street. Not being able to be in the same room with him without wanting to pounce on him. Tickle wars. Going to parties and dancing inappropriately together. 

Driving forty minutes out of your way to make sure he is alive. Forcing him to tell you he doesn’t love you. Not believing it. Having dreams where he tells you he does love you and knowing that is the truth. 

Not crying because you have already cried too much. Rereading the things he wrote. Pretending nothing is wrong when your roommates find you holed up in your room staring at the ceiling. 

Making out in a deserted hallway at a party after knowing each other for less than an hour. Making out only to jump up as your father’s key hits the lock and your pants are unzipped. Him making out with you one night and then asking another girl to the Winter Formal the next day. Making out in the middle of the soccer field and not caring about other people or your grass allergy. Making out on his best friend’s bed. Making out with his best friend. Waking up your roommates while screaming with pleasure at four in the morning.

Calling him even though he never answers the phone. Wanting to tell him silly things even though he doesn’t really listen, because sometimes he looks at you like what you are saying really does matter. 

Him holding you longer than expected when he hugs you. Inhaling his smell and noticing him inhale yours. Watching movies that remind you of him.

Falling asleep together on the phone every night. Calling him at 5am so he can audibly walk you out to your car because you are afraid of the dark. Arguing loudly in the video store about what to rent. Him getting drunk and letting his iguana run across your body while he holds you down.  

Him being engaged and not telling you so you have to pretend you don’t know. You taking a back seat in his life after you break up. Not being able to give him what he wants. Undercooking his asparagus. 

Taking your camera everywhere. Taking naked pictures of each other. Those pictures winding up on his laptop screen saver. Being more yourself when he is not around. Not being able to sleep unless you imagine holding his hand. 

Talking politics. Talking religion. Not talking and just looking at each other without being worried about the silence. Wishing he would call you back. Waking up to text messages ringing on your cell phone at 3 in the morning. 

Being too shy to touch you. Getting pierced on his birthday to relieve the pain of him not talking to you. Walking around the block to avoid having his students see you because he is a teacher and you are still in high school. Laughing hysterically at this memory. 

Dancing around your room after your first date. Dancing with him in his kitchen even though he swears he doesn’t dance. Dancing in his car to keep him awake while driving. Dancing in your room after he dumps you, to convince yourself you will survive. 

Lying wrapped up in each other talking about what kind of dog you want to get when you move in together. Him knowing what all your little sounds are, even the one you make when you are playing with your nose. Actually holding his hand while you sleep. 

Breaking up in a parking lot. Crying before he can say anything to you. Him telling you if what you had was so great, it will happen again.  Spending the next week thinking of him anytime anything that could possibly remind you of him happens. Knowing no matter how much you love him, it won’t change what just happened. Wondering what the future holds for him. 

Moving on to love someone else in a completely different way. Remembering great moments. Smiling in spite of yourself.

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Photo by Bert Ferranco on Unsplash

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