Neg Or Not?
Ed note: since writing this piece, have learned this is not a neg and is simply poorly executed potential flirtation. However, this did lead to the question of “what is my responsibility as a dater who wants to make the dating world a better place to inform people their tactics aren’t working?”
Oh hey, look! It’s my first identifiable “neg!” I’m probably supposed to be horribly offended by (or horribly attracted to) the dude, but honestly…I’m just proud I intercepted this piece of work through the influx of messages on OkCupid, and correctly labeled it as someone who is probably curious about dating me but thinks the way to my heart (or under my belt) is to tear me down. Word to the single and potentially unwise: unless the guy has some redeeming quality or something to offer you, there’s no need to respond to such bizarre tactics.
The definition of a neg is as such:
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A light insult wrapped in the package of a complement. Used by pick-up artists to gain and maintain the attention of women who possess uncommon beauty (9+). These women are immune to standard complements.
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To be fair, I’m only 90% sure we’re looking at an actual “neg” here. In a way, the guy didn’t really throw down a backhanded complement. (I’ve tweeted at PUA guru Style for assistance in identifying this.) The guy really did just insult me. However, he did end each interaction with a question, and bothered to respond coherently in the first place (which is more than a lot of guys do).
For some context, here is the portion of my OkCupid profile that the guy was responding to:
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I agree on the pass but it was still so peculiar. Why waste the time to write anything down? He’s obviously literate and able to think clearly, yet used those powers for such a strange reason.
Not so literate. It’s you’re screwed, not your screwed.
Very good point, G. To be fair, in online dating I’d still consider this reasonably literate, especially if he was getting an adrenaline rush by writing.
I could be wrong, but it doesn’t sound to me like he was intentionally trying to be a db. I get the sense that he was trying to be clever and/or funny. But that’s risky online, esp when you don’t know the intended target well… or, indeed, at all.
Again, I could be wrong, but I get the sense that this is simply a guy with little/no game. I’ve seen guys make similar (and non-cyber) cracks and fall flat on their face. In those cases, it was simply a fail. Hopefully they learned as much from it as I did ;-).
Ooooo, interesting! I appreciate your seeing this in a different light and sharing the idea. I try so hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and as you can see, even I sometimes struggle with that.
Here’s my question: Is there a responsibility of the recipients of failed cracks to alert the guy (or gal) as to how they’re coming across? I feel like we learn faster with feedback, and the culture of radio silence doesn’t quite help – and part of me wants to be promote the best way to change the culture rather than simply accept it.
Sounds like you’ve got quite a lot of experience under your belt! 🙂