Folks, Alicia still is sort of out of intelligent writing commission today. So, enjoy a piece she wrote for another site about how to talk to a significant other when you want to have a more serious conversation.
*(Or the person/s you’re in a datingship with these days.)
Opening your mouth to eat confetti cake: easy.
Opening your mouth to tell your significant other wince-inducing news: medium hard.
Opening your mouth to ask the guy lying next to you what your “status” is: more challenging than being a neo-matador.
Emulating a macaw. Yakking. Having a convo. Rapping. Developing rapport. Sitting down together. Anything you call it is fine (except conversating, because no, it’s not a word). But whatever lingo you choose from the nomenclature of conversation to have a chatty-chat with that special someone in your life doesn’t make the fact that we need to talk is not just a mildly scary thing to hear, it’s a wildly terrifying thing to say (and follow through with).
So if thoughts are etched into your tongue so clearly that you’re sure they’ll tumble out in your sleep, it’s time to step up to the plate and say something to your “it’s complicated” friend. You know when (trust your instinct on this). But you don’t know how.
Timing – It’s more important than presentation.
Your schmoopy just got off a double waitressing shift, or your Italian stallion is behind the wheel getting you to his parents house. Yep, these are bad times to strike up a conversation that requires attention, patience, and potentially empathy from the other person. Why? Because the person is distracted, not necessarily focused on you, and probably is much more focused on themselves.
Carefully select a time when you can be heard, when you’re both relaxed, and when no one has to run off or you both have to go into public and act like normal people. If you do not have time to have a conversation and the conversation can wait, let it wait.
Storytelling To Yourself
When thinking about what you want to talk about, hopefully you’ve given some thought to reactions from your sweetiebee. As in, imagining what they’re going to say or questions they may pose. If you haven’t, we’ll wait. … … Ready? Great. If you don’t know how to answer their questions – in other words, if you don’t know your position on the discussion and how you feel – you’re not ready to converse.
If you feel any sense of I don’t know and the conversation can wait, let it wait. Seriously. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything.
Presentation – Think clean lines
Your friend runs up to you and is a crying, screaming mess. She’s hysterical, eyes are wild, and sounds like dying hyena. Your cucumber cool goes MIA and you’re right there with her. Presenting any information in such a manner is no bueno, and does not help your case.
Do not present information of any kind like you’re presenting cancer. Wanting someone to be your girlfriend or wanting to break up with someone or telling someone you cheated on them or telling someone you want an open relationship or telling someone you’re planning to go to Norway for seven months to study shoes is nothing like cancer. Presenting it as such means your date will think holy shnikes, this is bad news and process it as such.
Instead, present your conversation topic rationally, logically, and amicably. You can have emotion (and I suggest you do), but you’ll want to be calm. Remember, unless it’s cancer, you’re not telling your partner-ish person that you have cancer.
Just Do It
Sadly, you can’t have a conversation by thinking about having a conversation. Which means, yes, you have to go for it. When the time is right, you know what you want to say, and you can be rational. Take a deep (hopefully sober) breath, exhale, and speak your mind. It’s better. Promise.