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A Script for an Over-the-Phone Just Not That Into You Convo

Screen shot 2013-12-16 at 6.46.40 PMA long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I asked other people advice about dating. Who am I kidding, I still totally do that! Needing dating and relationship advice never goes away, whether you’re on a first date, ten months into a relationship, recently engaged or married for thirty years. Anyway, I was looking through old emails, on the prowl for something else, when I found this message between me and a friend:

Email Subject: Cupcakes

To: Friend

From: Me

Question: went out with a guy twice, about three hours each time, and didn’t do anything physical. I’m not convinced I need to/want to see him again. He seems nice but there was something about him that…I don’t know, maybe it was the way he teased, but part of me didn’t feel completely comfortable with him. Like he was a little OCD and I might never be able to live up to that standard. 
 
I don’t have his email, so I have to do the “hey, don’t think I want to see you again” over the phone. 
 Um…WHAT THE HECK DO I SAY? Trying to think of a cheerful, light-hearted way to let him down. He’s been very nice and quite interested, which is very flattering. Just…yeah, not sure. 
 
Maybe I should go out with him again?
Email Subject: Re: Cupcakes
To: Me
From: Friend
Ring ring.

 
Him: Hello?
 
Alicia: Hey. It’s Alicia. Ostarello. 
 
Him: Oh, hey! How are you?
 
Alicia: I’m good. Listen, I don’t think….hang on. 
 
Him: Everything ok?
 
Alicia: (long pause) What is that?
 
Him: What is what?
 
Alicia: There’s something in the sky.
 
Him: Where are you? I don’t see anything. 
 
Alicia: Oh. my. god. 
 
Him: Alicia?
 
Alicia: It’s an alien warship. Oh god. Nothing will ever be the same. 
 
Him: Are you sure? I don’t think…
 
Alicia: Damn it, man! Clearly there are bigger things going on right now than you and me. Good luck fighting off the invasion! 
 
Scene! 
 
Or, like, just play the Tardis noise really loud while you’re on the phone with him and then say, “My friend is back! Bye!” 
 
Honestly, I’m not sure you need to do anything after two dates. A text would be fine. But if you do want to call, which is totally appropriate, just be direct. “I had a nice time but I don’t think we should hang out anymore. I’m not feeling that connection I’m looking for.” 
Feel free to use any or all of the advice in the above email exchange.

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