It’s no secret that I say awkwardly embarrassing things sometimes with zero intention of being either awkward or humiliating. Spend a few minutes with me and BAM! I really will say something that makes everyone pause. (Oy, put me in a situation where I feel nervous, and watch the speed of which I wish I was eating a foot sandwich instead of what I had just said quadruples. I may as well just hang my head before a conversation even starts.)
1. Once while having a Mexican lunch with an ex’s coworkers for his birthday, I announced gleefully, “I just love sucking on my burrito!” as I proceeded to yes, do the mouth thing any good burrito-eater does and try not to dribble.
Silence, and a horrified look from my guy.
2. On my second day at a new job, a Sales Manager was asking me questions while we made coffee. He started to walk away and I said, “Oh wait, I need to cream myself. I’ll be right there.”
Really awkward silence, followed by the Controller who overheard me, saying “What the hell is wrong with you?” and laughing.
There are plenty more.
Anyway, this is relevant because I forgot to mention something about my fourth date with Library Brian: I had one of these foot-in-mouth moments.
After some beer, me, Brian, and his two friends wandered into a cute downtown square for window shopping, people watching (the tourists and townies were out in full force) and eventually, a glass of wine on an outdoor patio. Brian and his friend Tim got into a discussion about Tim’s dapper fashion sense. Always classy from head to toe, while Brian self-deprecatingly made a comment about how all he was wearing was a flimsy t-shirt and jeans and his clothes never looked all that hip.
I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it. I knew it was not the right thing to say, and I was proud to have stopped myself.
“What?” Brian asked. “You were going to say something. Spill!”
I tightened my lips and shook my head. That scene repeated twice and I finally acquiesced.
“I just figured maybe you didn’t wear awesome clothes so I’d tear them off faster.”
Ah yes. The sweet sound of absolutely stunned silence. Two and a half hours into meeting Brian’s friends, I said one of the weirder things they’d heard a stranger say…about their friend no less. Tim and his wife eventually started to laugh, saying “I think we need to drink more after that sentence,” and on we went with our day.
If by “on we went” meaning someone referenced the moment at least once an hour from there on out and I was bright red every single time.
Stay classy, daters.