In my last post, I mentioned the fact that what worried me most about going out with a polyamorous man was simply the logistics of polyamory. Everything else was merely a first date in the purest sense of the term. Meet. Eat. Walk. The usual.
And I guess what I have to say is this: my date was very nice. Super nice. Like, “come crash on our floor if you and Megs don’t have a place to stay,” nice. Like, “Oh, be sure to check out this vista that’s hard to find up the hill if you want an amazing panorama of the city,” nice. And, “I’m out of touch for a few hours, my girlfriend wanted to see a movie and then I have to go back to work,” nice. And while I wanted to believe in his niceness and considerateness were just part of who he was – someone who was generous, giving, friendly, helpful, and kind – as the date wound up, I couldn’t help but think it was all a ploy.
We’d had a nice time, but not an electric one. I was on the fence about the whole poly thing, though open to not being judgemental. There’d been a weird moment where he made a comment about how the parking lot he’d taken me to in order to see the skyline was a great place to make out (and I’m sure I said something to double the awkwardness). And then, toward the end of our evening, the second Megan was distracted by a really pretty fountain, my date asked if he could kiss me.
He didn’t go for it. He didn’t ask like he thought he would get a yes. He asked, like a pretend shy teenager if he could steal one kiss. I balked and said, “Oh, no. This is a first date. I’m not going to do that.”
He asked why. I said that in the past — as a coed at college — I had felt the need to use kissing and sexuality to get boys to like me, and at this juncture, I really didn’t feel like that was necessary. That I relished the freedom to choose not to kiss someone.
And his response? “Oh. Okay. I just really feel like I understand people and get to know them better when I kiss them. Don’t you agree?”
Wait. Really? What is it about the inside of my mouth that’s going to help you get me that couldn’t be covered over more conversation? I felt, dare I say, duped. In that instant, I felt as though this was a person who gave into desire without looking for long term consequences. Who thought he would be able to pull me in and had so much confidence that I had so little confidence that I would make out with him, maybe if he just pushed a little more and asked like someone inexperienced in dating and relationships (when all signs actually point the other way).
Maybe I’m being a little sensitive on this subject. It just felt strange. I wrapped up the date with a bad taste in my mouth. Not about open relationships, or about polyamory, but just about the guy himself.
But what worries me more is me.